One of the things I’ve chosen to focus on throughout this process is Mission; however, I think I should explain. It’s not nearly so high fallutin’ as it sounds. For me mission is this: finding what I’m meant to do. That means finding my purpose in everything, from relating to my kids and husband, to interacting with others, to just my days moment to moment.
So often, I feel as if I’ve lost myself. I’m not who I was, or who I want to be, or who I thought I’d be. My days are consumed contributing to the lives of others. I manage my home, I homeschool, I support my husband, I lift up my children and I invest in the lives of others. But I rarely feel like I do anything that is ‘me’ – anything that would cause someone to say, “That is so like her.”
This really isn’t as selfish as it sounds. I know the world doesn’t rotate around little ole me. I love my family, I’ve chosen my life, it’s just that somewhere along the way, I lost myself. This became clear to me just last week. In the closet where special keepsake clothes are hanging, my little one was playing and knocked a dress off a hanger. My older daughter came in and said, “I remember when you made that.” She had wanted a Christmas dress from American Girl, and I thought it was too expensive. So I went to the store and bought brown and burgundy velvet and leopard print fur, and I recreated it. I made a matching dress for her little sister. Doing this is something someone might once have said was “like me.”
This is the catcher – she was seven and the little one was one. Now she is thirteen, and the little one is seven. It was the last thing I sewed. And my daughter asks, “Why don’t you make things for us anymore?” Why, indeed.
A couple of years ago, I tried to recapture this creativity by knitting scarves for my daughters (simple and quick). I finished the older girl’s, but the little girl’s is still sitting on the needles. (Yes, two years later – a sad confession, but true.) Well, I’m transforming. So yesterday, I pulled the project out. My little one saw it and her eyes lit with joy as she asked if I was going to finish her scarf. Why yes, my dear, I believe I am. There’s no better time for changing than now.