Day 9 ~ Bleeding and Wounded

The problem with being a disorganized perfectionist is that the perfectionism can be paralyzing. If I can’t do a thing perfectly, I may not do it at all. This is why I am attempting this project of life transformation in baby steps, so that this monster I am trying to kill is cut into tiny, bite-sized pieces. For example, I can create a notebook in which to keep all the pertinent information of my life, so that everything I have to keep organized (like to-do lists, projects and reference info) is all in one place. In fact, I did this today. I forgot to write anything in it (old habits die slowly), but at least I created it. That deserves a gold star, doesn’t it?

Part of this journey also involves this delving into self-awareness called journaling. So I must be honest and authentic about my days. Last week, I spent most of one day doing dishes, picking up toys, and generally moving junk around so that the house could be cleaned. Sometimes I feel like I just keep moving the same piles back and forth, so that the house gets cleaned, but the clutter remains. And every time I move a pile of something, I feel discouraged, because I’ve moved that pile so many times before. That is, until now. Now I think, ‘I have a plan.’ This plan is hard. I am not a natural organizer – I never have been. (I have a memory from childhood, where I cleaned and organized my room, including drawers and the closet, my desk – everything. Except … in my closet was a large cardboard box (I mean large) filled with stuff. It was all the things I didn’t know what to do with, but didn’t want cluttering my floor.)

The whole reason I’m working through this process is because I really, legitimately want change in my life. I want to simplify. I want to reduce stress. I know that part of achieving this is to simplify and straighten my physical environment. To this end, I’ve read every organizing tip out there (or so it feels). And the problem is this: organizing tips are written by natural organizers. They don’t have a clue what my struggle is like because they like to organize things, and creative solutions flow through them. I need advice from someone who has crawled away from the Clutter Monster, bleeding and wounded, and survived. And that person doesn’t seem to exist. Yet.

If all goes well, and the monster doesn’t chew me up and spit me out, someday that person will be me.

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